There has been a lot of talk and speculation about voter suppression. Republican state governments have instituted stringent voter ID laws. There are organizations like True the Vote who will be in Colorado polling places to challenge voters’ credentials. The targets are Hispanics, African Americans and young people. They should actually be targeting women based on my canvasing experience.
It is important that my U. S. readers understand what follows is hugely un-Canadian. It’s not nice. I’m not sure if I’ve been watching too much MSNBC, listening to too much Air America or what. My liberalism seems to have taken a muscular turn.
However, I’ve thought of how the Democrats can do major Republican voter suppression. It’s not illegal but is very not nice.
I’ve noticed that the anti Obama fanatics tend to be males over 40 years of age, balding, and overweight. You look at them and think, “walking heart attack.”
So why not give them a little nudge in that direction? Enough so that they can’t make it to the poles on November 6th.
Democrats will develop cadres of volunteers. They will either be men with pony tails and Birkenstocks or women wearing t-shirts that say “This is what a feminist looks like.”
These volunteers will go to the doors of houses that have “Defeat Obama” posters and additional hand made signage using words like “Kenya,” “Muslim,” “Communist” and so on.
Obviously, when these men come to the door, they will immediately go into a rage that Obama hippies would dare sully his front walk. That’s a good start.
I imagine the volunteers will say something like the following.
“We recognize your anger, but we think that if you knew the true objectives of the next Obama administration, you would change your mind. You need to understand the glories of the coming socialist Utopia. We have selected you to hear the secrets that the general public don’t know – we think you’ll change your vote.”
You will have intrigued your subject – he can find out the truth behind the paranoid fantasies he’s been weaving.
“First of all, we are going to come clean. The Ivy League universities will all be renamed as what they really are. For instance, Harvard Institute of Applied Socialism.”
You’ve at last confirmed one of his deepest convictions. Now that you have him hooked, you have to turn up the temperature with visions that even his wildest imaginings would not have conceived.
“Of course, all your guns will be taken away and replaced by Nerf weapons.”
“In order to combat global warming, Bratwurst and brown beans will be outlawed.
“Mexican food will be made by real Mexicans.”
“Estrogen will be added to all Budweiser products.
“All NFL teams will be nationalized so that the government can control who wins and looses. We’re thinking the Cleveland Browns will be the winner.”
“Obamacare will be used to poison all the precious bodily fluids of real men.”
As the subject hears that the next four years will be worse than he ever imagined, his blood pressure will rise, he will sweat copiously, he will grow short of breath. At some point, the magic will happen. He’ll clutch his chest and fall to the ground.
The volunteers will call an ambulance on their iPhones. We don’t want to be too cruel. We’ve achieved our objective: Republican voter suppression.
Luckily, he’d only have really bad heart burn. We couldn’t really wish a heart attack on someone. However, he will be so confused and disoriented, he’ll forget to vote.
Having written the above, I feel soiled. I need to go listen to the “Canadian Railway Trilogy” by Gordon Lightfoot. Then maybe the Guess Who’s “American Woman.”